Support your Partner but not in EXCESS

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Supporting a partner seems to be the right thing , especially when things become rocky. However, a new study finds that too much support — or the wrong kind of support — may actually do more harm than good. In recent studies researchers learned that too much support is harder on a marriage than not enough.When it comes to marital satisfaction, both partners are happier if husbands receive the right type of support, and if wives ask for support when they need it.

• The idea that simply being more supportive is better for your marriage, could be a myth.
• Often husbands and wives think, ‘If my partner really knows me and loves me, he or she will know I’m upset and will know how to help me.’ However, that’s not the best way to approach your marriage.
• Your partner shouldn’t have to be a mind reader. Couples will be happier if they learn how to say, ‘This is how I’m feeling, and this is how you can help me.

Too much of a good thing.

• Receiving more support than desired is a greater risk factor for marital decline than not being there for a spouse.

• If you don’t get enough support, you can make up for that with family and friends — especially women, who tend to have multiple sources of support. When you receive too much support, there’s no way to adjust for that.”

Four kinds of support were identified in a study:  

1. Physical comfort and  emotional support (listening and empathizing, taking your spouse’s hand, giving your spouse a hug).
2. Esteem support (expressing confidence in your partner, providing encouragement).
3. Informational support (giving advice, gathering information).
4. Tangible support (taking on responsibilities so your spouse can deal with a problem, helping to brainstorm solutions to a problem).

Results showed that too much informational support — usually in the form of unwanted advice-giving — is the most detrimental. In contrast, you can never go wrong providing esteem support, assuming it’s genuine.

Too little support was more common than too much. Receiving less support than desired was a complaint of about two-thirds of men and at least 80 percent of women. Only about one-third of men and women reported receiving more support than they wanted.
 
Support isn’t one-size-fits-all

• For men, it’s important that their wives provide the right kind of support, offering emotional, informational, tangible or esteem support as needed.
• For wives, it’s more important that their husbands try to be supportive — even if what they do doesn’t quite hit the mark.
• Husbands shouldn’t throw their hands up if they’re not sure what to do. They need to stay in there and keep trying.
• Dialog is key as I always say. If you need support, request it; if you’re providing support, ask how you can help — don’t assume you know what to do.
• The assumption is that men just want to be left alone and women want to be held and listened to.

In reality, different men want different kinds of support, and different women want different kinds of support.